This thing happened to me a couple of weeks ago where, after weeks of committing myself to these words and those words and all kinds of words, I stopped. I took a break. I stopped writing any words altogether for two weeks. It turns out that this exercise felt weird and impossible which is I guess how you ever know how you feel about anything: take it away and then see how fucked up you feel when it’s gone.
I spent some time tonight on the couch of the home of two of my favorite humans, one of whom I pretty much begged to be my friend 13 years ago and the other who has met me exactly three times but I have stubbornly and steadfastly decided to love as quickly and vehemently as I ever decide I love anyone. He accepts this with the casual grace of someone who understands that when you love someone, you inherit the people they love and that what you choose to do with them says everything about who you are. You are always as good as the people you surround yourself with.
I was, too, in the moment as good as those two people, which felt good because they are tremendously good and also remarkably creative: he in an established field, she in ways she doesn’t even really understand but that come together to form some kind of meta-talent that I’d be able to explain if I were a better writer.
This other thing happened to me last week where I went over to a friend’s apartment to get a haircut and I brought a couple of people with me. It is one thing to know that someone you love is a genius in your mind, that they understand you, that you can say anything to them about your hair or your face and they will know exactly how to transform you in the way that you wish. It is another to watch them do the same thing to complete strangers. She was a doctor: she diagnosed. She took apart two people who didn’t know what their problems were, and she took years off one’s face through a haircut and some measures of worry off the other’s through simple styling demonstrations. It seems so basic until you watch it and it is not.
The point is that who you end up with is not an accident, and if everyone around you is solving problems and creating worlds, there is probably a reason for it just like there’s probably a reason why when you lose your words, you lose that world of your own.